On the 7th of November we traveled to Catania for the CVS. I was scared of the pain because it's a procedure performed without anesthetic and scared of this 0.1% risk of miscarriage after the procedure.
I arrived and got confident this was the right thing to do for my baby, it was going to be all right and we could have focus to normality or at the worst some heart diseases.
I looked around me and I felt so out of place there! So many mothers on their late 40s, talking about horror stories about this procedure, about pregnancy. I shut down my listening and reacted smiling, feeling safe in my bold 20s!
I got my bloods taken for my blood Rhesus to be checked (I have O negative blood which means I get an extra injection, anti-D).
It was finally my turn, but Jonas wasn't allowed to come with me.
The doctor and midwife were very nice and made me feel calm enough to concentrate on my breathing. I entered the small room for the procedure and I laid down on the small bed next to a screen they use to check the baby, placenta and needle throughout the procedure.
I lifted my arms above my head squeezing the pillow under my head and concentrated on my breathing in order to relax my abdominal muscles. I needed to be good and make the job easier, my posterior placenta was already making the job difficult and painful enough.
The pain itself was manageable, it was just very uncomfortable the moving of the needle up and down repetitively and fast for around 1 minute, to get as much trophoblasts with her DNA from the placenta, without touching the sac.
After they let me rest for a while and sent me to the waiting room.
The cramps started and it was uncomfortable to stay sitting on the cold metallic chair, but I had to wait there for my Anti-D injection. From 10 am we were finally moved to wait at the waiting room of the delivery suite.
We waited until 15 pm in so much pain and tiredness that my mum started insisting with the doctors.
They let me in a room in which a woman gave birth few minutes before I came in. The nurse started insulting me, saying I was looking fine so I shouldn't put pressure on them. There was a woman giving birth, you know! They are important, you know! It was fine for me to stay sitting when I should be in bed resting for two days.
Because if I miscarried it would have been considered anyway something that could've happened after that procedure. Too bad for me!
I started crying. I apologized, I didn't want to put pressure. I didn't want to cry. I apologized. The man felt bad and comforted me bringing me to my mum after the injection.
'We had a little cry here. Just all the emotions, all normal. Go home and rest now dear."
All normal. All normal to be treated like this. The unimportant women of the delivery's waiting room. Mothers of unborn babies. Unimportant mothers.
I arrived and crushed in bed. Two days bed rest. Then 1 week at least going easy with my body. My mind wasn't going easy.
I colored a mandala few days before the diagnosis 'enjoying pregnancy' together with Jonas. I focus on positive thoughts for my baby, it was saying.
I was getting very positive about us.
Ida Saoirse Scherer,
our first baby girl, who was born and died at 16+5 weeks on the 30th November 2017.
Resources about Termination for Medical Reasons
Sister-friend Emily writing for her first son Amari Regan (Fragile X Syndrome)
Katrina's blog for her second daughter April Rey (Trisomy 13)