‘instead of wiping her nose or making sure she brushes her teeth I have to decide which memories to share, with who, how much of her story is told.
We already got to know that healing means coming to terms with your baby’s death and the changes that this brought to you and your life.
However, no one should assume that this means that we should manage to think one day that the death of our children is acceptable. You never have to find it acceptable. You never, in all your healing work, have to accept that your child’s death was right or fair.
"Working through grief involves learning to withstand the certainty and the finality of the loss, uncovering the personal significance of what has been lost, and neither holding on to nor pushing away the sorrow, anger, guilt, shame, despair and envy that arise in response to it."
-Unspeakable Losses, Kim Kluger-Bell
Your baby's death and your grief and journey through healing and surviving this tragedy creates a 'new normal'.
We've grown, we learned so many things, we have changed and, little by little we are prevailing in the face of tragedy. Our baby's existence and honor is prevailing in the face of tragedy! Through us, our baby’s legacy can have an impact that is more far-reaching than we will ever know. This is our new mission. This is the way bereaved mothers and fathers keep parenting their dead children.
We keep honoring and we keep our bond to our babies intact, moving from a relationship of presence into a relationship of memory and/or spirit.
"The size of your grief never changes and it doesn’t go away, it’s just that life gets bigger around it and that resonates with me now. You don’t move on, but rather now you move with. You journey into your future, with your memories and your bond intact"
-Empty Cradle Broken Heart- Deborah Davis
The ways I honor and remember Ida:
-With her memory box, her notebook and candle
-Talking and writing about her meaningful existence
-Wearing necklaces with her name and symbol
-Visiting her burial site
-With my heart loving and missing her every second, every minute, every hour, every day
Ida Saoirse Scherer,
our first baby girl, who was born and died at 16+5 weeks on the 30th November 2017.
Resources about Termination for Medical Reasons
Sister-friend Emily writing for her first son Amari Regan (Fragile X Syndrome)
Katrina's blog for her second daughter April Rey (Trisomy 13)