On the 3rd of September a very faint line of my pregnancy test announced me and my partner Ida existed.
Not believing a faint line almost mistaken for a negative test, on the 6th of September a second and fancy pregnancy test was bought, reading and confirming a 2-3 weeks old pregnancy.
The reaction was surprise, disbelief, loss of control and again disbelief.
We knew for sure we were the right people for each other, then it meant it was the right baby for each other, the right time is something you can create yourself we said.
But I feel like writing, to be fair to my daughter who knows all the truth, the real course of events and feelings running wild in our new and pending family.
I wasn't feeling scared, afraid of the unknown, I knew well already what meant pregnancy, birth, postpartum and babies.
I was essentially pissed. Because I was planning a year of competitions, judo and jiu jitsu training, getting my degree as soon as possible.
I kept being pissed for my continuous nausea and disgust for any food.
But I thought it was matter of time before I would have got used to it, above all feeling the first heartbeat!
I was essentially pissed of the concept of pregnancy, because I was still feeling learning about or directing someone else's pregnancy. Then I was sure everything would have changed at the first scan.
My partner wasn't feeling better, he was alternating excitement and happiness of becoming a father, not realizing at all it was true, panic for being far from his country and friends, not having a job, starting a new university, not having a house or loads of money aside.
I did the normal course of blood tests, supplements, getting results of those blood tests with my mother without even asking Jonas (Ida's father) to be there, without Jonas asking me if I needed him there.
But he was taking care of me every night after the shower, passing on my belly and breasts almond oil, every day defending our choice to keep the pregnancy with many ignorant and presumptuous people.
Me and my mum booked the scan with her gynae and I told Jonas about it, saying he could finally see the baby, hear the baby and know actually if the baby was really there, alive.
He was unsure about his presence there already before entering the room and I knew it, it was nervous and if he would have had the courage to say it he would have rather not come.
Instead he entered the room with me, crossed arms, barely looking at the gynae. This last didn't help him either, talking in Italian, not even trying to talk or include him. We briefly started the internal examination and Jonas didn't want to come close.
I was feeling so stressed for him, so nervous about Jonas' exclusion and reaction to it that I wasn't thinking at all at anything else.
I never felt so alone and angry. The baby's sac was visualized with a tiny bean barely 2 cm long inside. The heart was visibly pumping.
The gynae asked Jonas if he wanted to see and he said no.
The gynae made a joke, I felt like nervously covering my boyfriend up, but my anger was growing.
The gynae started to look for the heartbeat and he did.
And I felt nothing. I heard it too, yes, but I felt nothing. It was still a screen, a sound not belonging to me. Jonas got closer, saying he couldn't understand what he was seeing, how can he not the gynae said, he kept not understanding what he was seeing.
I was keeping feeling alone.
I got dressed, I took my prescription, my folder and we went out.
Jonas started smiling again, so all good no?
No it wasn't good.
We fought like never before, I felt one with myself like never before and felt confident about the fact I would never feel alone like that anymore in my life. I was one enough for me to be carrying my child. I was going to be egoist for me and my child.
Jonas understood, apologized with words and facts and since then he started putting his hand on my belly every night.
I was starting at that point feeling a mother, still pissed, but a mother defending my bond with my daughter despite everything else.
A mother waiting for the next scan to be the redemption in which I could sit back, relax and enjoy my pregnancy.
This next scan was the Nucal Translucency.
Ida Saoirse Scherer,
our first baby girl, who was born and died at 16+5 weeks on the 30th November 2017.
Resources about Termination for Medical Reasons
Sister-friend Emily writing for her first son Amari Regan (Fragile X Syndrome)
Katrina's blog for her second daughter April Rey (Trisomy 13)