Something happened inside me when I got Ida's diagnosis.
In that exact moment, I felt for the first time in my life the lust for death.
Me, the strong and brave girl everybody thought to know, myself included, was willing to die in that exact moment.
Not in the tragic way of imaging death. But with a sweet association. Death seemed to desirable and such a sweet compensation.
I don't know if my wishful thinking didn't turn in a practical action because of my support group or just because it was just a brush with death that comes as a thought normally after a tragedy.
What I know is that even though I never had serious depression or suicidal behaviors, there I was, feeling very close to death.
What made me stop wishing for death was my palpable love from my partner and my closest family who required as much palpable love from my side. I couldn't fail them, I couldn't do this to them, Jonas told me.
So I thought about all those people that don't have this support network and feel completely alone in this moment. How close to death are many many people we think would never do something like this? When we hear some people suicide we ask ourselves 'why did he/she do this? Didn't she/he have friends, a wife/husband?'.
I finally understood how difficult is to feel something worth living sometimes. I finally understood the immense fragility that can struck everybody, those you think might be the wisest, strongest, weakest. Those with people around and those without.
What I was left with when I stopped willing to die was fearlessness of death.
I realized death is so unpreventable, the truest human reality and that it's hidden under every step we take on a daily basis. In moments I should or I normally would worry and my heartbeat would accelerate, together with my breaths, I now breathe in slowly, filling my lungs of those moments that could be my last and I feel ready to die.
I see tragedy in every corner, but I am not desperate about it. I expect it, I know my world and my loved ones can be suddenly smashed one by one, for no reason.
'Why are you so negative?' asked me the gynecologist before terminating my pregnancy.
I am not negative, I am blessed or cursed with the truest truth that there is no such thing as 'deserving' or 'not deserving', 'good/bad luck'. If this times went bad, if this time you had such a tragedy the next one you will be spared. Who should spare me from what?
Every second, everything could collapse because I am and everybody is nobody!
Not more than ants, birds and cows!
I won't be unprepared anymore, I am consciously nobody. And in this consciousness I really I am the center of my world, and my loved ones are the center of my world. I can't go further than this, I can't care for more than this.
Death and Life are both realities and the only ones I am entitled to be aware of.
In this life that remains and is kept alive by my particular and present humanity, I take care of my small little particular world. Because this works like gravity, this is what keep us with the feet on the ground, alive. This small unities, held together by those invisible threads keep us alive until we need to let go on life and embrace death.
Ida Saoirse Scherer,
our first baby girl, who was born and died at 16+5 weeks on the 30th November 2017.
Resources about Termination for Medical Reasons
Sister-friend Emily writing for her first son Amari Regan (Fragile X Syndrome)
Katrina's blog for her second daughter April Rey (Trisomy 13)