Reminders, reminders, reminders.
Everything reminds me where I should be now, how old you should should be now inside my womb.
Pregnancy newsletters keeps coming despite my requests to cancel their subscriptions, free pregnancy magazines keep coming too.
My neighbor is already 6 months pregnant and her baby was few weeks younger than you were.
My body getting fit and slim, going backwards instead of going rounder and softer reminds me too of what it should be.
New mums I know proudly showing off their baby-crochet works on facebook remind me of my death-crochet works I did for you and didn't have the courage to share.
New mums I know proudly showing off photos of their babies, photos of their bumps, remind me of the few precious photos I have from you that I cannot share because people wouldn't understand.
It's already February and it would've been so different this passing time with you. I would've last longer because I would've been impatiently waiting for you to come.
It would've been meaningful instead of hollow and empty like these months seemed to me.
March - April - May, my birthday, your birth, mothers' day.
How can I reach that month being aware you should've been there with me?
Or how can I pass the summer June-July-August, sea, beach, holidays and sun you should've been sharing with me and your dad?
All those missed 'firsts' of everything I am constantly reminded by other babies' first of everything.
How am I supposed to care about anything else?
How am I managing to comply with forward-actions and forward-people when all I long for is backwards and putting pause?
Yes, now I just long for an eternal pause and death in October-me.
Ida Saoirse Scherer,
our first baby girl, who was born and died at 16+5 weeks on the 30th November 2017.
Resources about Termination for Medical Reasons
Sister-friend Emily writing for her first son Amari Regan (Fragile X Syndrome)
Katrina's blog for her second daughter April Rey (Trisomy 13)