Before getting pregnant with Ida I was training regularly Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, more than 3 times a week.
I found out I was pregnant and my first thought was 'Oh crap. I was planning my training schedule adding judo training and weight lifting and so many competitions! Dammit!'.
I kept training for one month more, soft judo (no falls), soft jiu jitsu, no falls, knee-on belly position or sparring.
Then I stopped, I started feeling more protective towards the pregnancy and I decided to avoid any possible injury.
But I was still missing training so much, it was so addictive!
Then I gave birth to my still born Ida.
I don't fancy people, I don't fancy training or going out.
I long for quiet and house-time to spend staying with Ida. With my memories, my tears and my words to her.
But two days ago Jonas asked me again to come back to the mat. We met thanks to sport and we trained together ever since. He missed sharing this with me. He missed this quality time.
My body needed it too, I kept cutting weight since I got pregnant and my muscles became weak. My toxins needed to get out too.
Well, I kept thinking I could push this until I felt like, but I would never start.
So I said yes, and nailed me completely writing to all my training friends telling them I would start the day after.
Jonas jumped on me, so happy, so so happy.
Then I started getting anxious and scared. And I felt sad.
And I cried.
I felt guilty. I wanted to train so badly when I was pregnant, I thought training was so important in my life and this importance made me feel pissed for being pregnant.
Now I would've trade all the training and sports for being pregnant, for bringing to the world my healthy daughter.
Should I train or not, I kept asking myself. Should I start doing something that belonged to my previous-normal? Is there any place for something I considered very important in my life before this tragedy and my new concepts of important?
I decided to train. Yesterday I trained wrestling for the first time, my body thanked me, I felt physically good, mentally focused on the present. It has been and it will be my kind of mindfulness.
Training belongs to my previous-normal, now it belongs to my new-normal, holding a difference meaning for me, my relationship with Jonas , my body and my life.
Guilt is something that comes knocking at my heart's door, it is a normal part of making our heartbreaking choice. I observe it, what it generates in me, in forms of feelings and body reaction, I let it express itself, I accept, I let go. I breathe, I come back to the reality, what can I change and what I cannot. I love you Ida, I breathe out.
Ida Saoirse Scherer,
our first baby girl, who was born and died at 16+5 weeks on the 30th November 2017.
Resources about Termination for Medical Reasons
Sister-friend Emily writing for her first son Amari Regan (Fragile X Syndrome)
Katrina's blog for her second daughter April Rey (Trisomy 13)