The difficulty in dealing with reality, the reality in which your baby is dead, is also caused by the multifaceted characteristic that this loss entails.
It feels like if your inner self in pain turns around and around, side to side, finding that more and more things are going to be stolen from you together with your child.
You witness a brutal loss of innocence and faith. Deborah Davis refers to it as losing the 'blissful notion of pregnancy'., but also the way you view life, nature and the universe. They are hit to the core by the unfairness, lack of meaning and your powerlessness. The God you believed in doesn't answer, doesn't make you feel he/she's there in pain with you. I stop believing, I stop waiting for an answer, I prefer not to have it anymore, the thought even irritates me.
If scientifically there must have been a beginning, I don't think it's close to the world anyway, It might be even dead. I believe in me, my support people and Ida's presence that in a form I don't understand is close to me. Those are the people who made me survive this tragedy, not god.
Many things that were important or meaningful lose their importance and meaning. You are numb, irritated and sometimes disgusted by this useless junk surrounding you and by all those people enjoying the junk.
You mourn over the loss of your past-self, because you were altruist, positive, kind and patient. Because now hatred eats you from the inside, envy makes you feel miserable and you can't bear stupid people, different people, happy people, naive people, pregnant people, people. You end up seeing yourself and the ones you love at the center of your universe, the only important universe you can care about now. Because your dead child is the ghost of your first daughter that brought with her in her coffin, the ghosts of your wishes, dreams, of all the stories we would have read together, of all the training we would have share together, and kisses, and good nights...
You mourn over your loss of future, because you don't know what you really want now. Your future changed and you don't know towards what you really want to go. You don't know if planning has any sense anymore! Your future holds death and tragedy creeping at the side of the road, waiting to make you and your loved ones suffer. You expect tragedy, you feel it close everyday and you are not surprised if it hits you.
You mourn over the loss of your identity, as a woman, as a partner, as a student midwife, future midwife, as a parent. You are not in control, you are a woman not in control of what really matters, you are not anymore the woman you thought you were. You are not anymore the strong side of the couple, but you are the most fragile who needed to be rescued from death from her partner. You dread pregnant women and babies, how are you supposed to work in a hospital and support them before having a positive birth experience? You felt yourself a mother, I am still a mother, but I felt a mother of a alive baby, now I am a mother of a dead baby. I felt myself a good friend, caring and helping most of my friends. Now I don't care, I can't feel their distress for silly things such as a text with no answer. I don't care and I avoid them.
Who am I now?
Ida Saoirse Scherer,
our first baby girl, who was born and died at 16+5 weeks on the 30th November 2017.
Resources about Termination for Medical Reasons
Sister-friend Emily writing for her first son Amari Regan (Fragile X Syndrome)
Katrina's blog for her second daughter April Rey (Trisomy 13)