Keeping playing my part in this new life, but yesterday night was different.
My period pains were strong, I was losing too much blood and the pain felt mostly concentrated to my cervix area.
This was the trigger that yesterday night started a vivid nightmare.
I was calm in my bed snuggling with my boyfriend when the flashback started.
The flashback brought me in a past-present moment, a vivid somatic, visual, emotional memory that happened in the past and was happening in the present.
The exact moment replayed was the moment in which they inserted the first prostaglandins and pressed it on my cervix.
It was all exactly the same except from my thoughts. I was living the exact moment in the present with a new mind. I was living it in shame and horror.
The intrusive memory kept going on and played again and again with new thoughts emerging and persecuting me more and more.
'How could I let them and even choose to induce the labour of my very alive and kicking baby?', This question was becoming more and more accusative, more and more suffocating, and my paralyzed mind was shouting the body of my 'past-self' to stop.
I never lived a moment like this before. I never felt so guilty about the choice I made and, as soon as my panic attack ended with the horrible rewritten flashback, I still firmly believed in the choice I took.
In the real memory of that event I can clearly recall myself calm and sure about my choice, keeping control of what was happening, about my own behavior and attitude to defend Ida and myself from a rotten medical system in Sicily, to protect my parents living this with me, to protect Jonas.
Now, I really struggle to believe how I managed and why I did waste so much energy to keep control. I don't blame myself for my choice, but now, without any more flashback attacking me, I blame me for control.
How did I get out of the flashback? I took my phone out, started stalking over the many babies profiles I follow on Instagram, like I did before, like I do now, like I will do in the future..
Some things don't change and I am comfortable in this insane habit that reminds me how miserable I feel without my daughter. I have control in this action so paradoxically it stopped the flashback and brought me back to the present.
Time doesn't heal grief. Stop bullshits.
Ida Saoirse Scherer,
our first baby girl, who was born and died at 16+5 weeks on the 30th November 2017.
Resources about Termination for Medical Reasons
Sister-friend Emily writing for her first son Amari Regan (Fragile X Syndrome)
Katrina's blog for her second daughter April Rey (Trisomy 13)