This was the first question that brought me to my knees after few days of Ida's death.
I couldn't answer and this destroyed me.
What if Ida's purpose was to live?
What if I couldn't answer to this short but fundamental question because she was meant to live?
I feel stronger on my decision now for the reasons I explained in the other posts, but still I struggle in answering.
I have no idea.
I want an answer, I long for a complete, sure and true answer.
But where can I find it? Or it's better to ask When will I find it? Will I ever find an answer?
There is a long long long list of things I am grateful for thanks to my daughter. She taught me so much and her existence really changed me and the perception I have about the universe and humanity.
But is this it? Was this all her purpose? I can't believe it.
Was there ever a purpose and is there any purpose at all of our own existence?
I don't know anymore. I am scared of answering to those questions and build another sand castle.
Her existence matters to me more than any other living person in this world, included mine.
Isn't this a paradox? I brought my daughter to death to protect her and still her existence in any form she is now is the one that matters to me the most.
She made me a mother, but I feel now I'm always been a mother. She made me HER mother. What does being a mother of a dead baby mean for the world, for the universe? For me?
Why did we need you? Or why did you need us in the form you are now or in the form you would have been?
Did I need your spirit to replace the dead-cold non-answer from God?
Did I need my daughter to die to never feel so alone anymore like when I got her diagnosis?
I love you, my most important person in the Universe, this i know it for sure.
Ida Saoirse Scherer,
our first baby girl, who was born and died at 16+5 weeks on the 30th November 2017.
Resources about Termination for Medical Reasons
Sister-friend Emily writing for her first son Amari Regan (Fragile X Syndrome)
Katrina's blog for her second daughter April Rey (Trisomy 13)