Dear readers, this is not the usual placement article, with information, bliss of the placement and happiness about how nice is to be a student midwife.
But this is real too. This is actually more real than anything else.
When I tried so badly to get into midwifery in the UK I was disgusted by all those who got and place and dropped. I believed that they were just those who didn't want it as much as I did, just lucky people getting a chance who others would have used in a better way.
Well, I realised in the last half a year that those people who dropped are perhaps the people who whould have been the best midwives, the most caring and emphatetic ones.
I am one of those sensitive people who are been hurt and broken by the reality of midwifery. I'm investing all my energy, my money and my all to be here in Ireland studying midwifery and I'm struggling enormously to keep going.
We study sociology and we understand how we really can't make things change, how we are insignificant in the maternity services. I understand how all my efforts to meet women's needs are not what those assessing me want. All my efforts from the academical point of view are not enough either. I failed the assignment I cared about the most, about the thing I'm the most passionate and that I want to focus when I'll be a midwife.
Thus, can I still say all this is worth it?
What before was holding me steady in keeping going was my passion for midwifery now it's fading brutally under all these circumnstances.
I physically removed all the posters about midwifery I had in my room and getting close to placement or hospitals makes me feel physically sick.
What have I done to reduce me like this?
At the present I really long to go home, in my supermedicalised country, where i can get my degree easy, doing just one year more. Then I could anyway be whatever kind of midwife I want to be. I need to go home and restore what they have stolen to me. I need to find back my love for my biggest dream.
Yes, this is midwifery too.
Gloria Coccoli, midwifery student in Dublin, but born in love with life in the land of sun, Sicily, in 1995
Mother of a baby with wings